Honesty

People continually surprise me. I love it! For me, there is nothing better than peeling off that extra layer over everyone to reveal who they really are inside. How they really feel and think starts to come out and it's like you're meeting an entirely different person for the first time. I wish I could explain to you how I feel. I usually walk around in a daze of hopeless romanticism, but the daze seems to be cloudier than usual. While at times it's uncomfortable, it's pleasant. I miss these sensations. None of you have any idea of what I'm talking about, but that's ok. Most of the time, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm just trying to put down what it feels like to be in my world. To have a feeling and swim in it without regard or consequence to punishment or reward. Just to embrace a feeling, acknowledge it. I don't ever need to go past just feeling it. I can at least allow myself that. It goes with any emotion. Anger, Jealousy, Love, Contentment. Each are great in their own ways, even the ugly ones like anger and jealousy. But, I think even though we should not always act on them, I do believe we should feel them. And not only that, but acknowledge it. That is the truest form of honesty with ourselves. I think that's a problem I have is never being honest with myself. I would say I'm optimistic, but I'm afraid of bad things just like everyone else. No one can live the perfect life. Everyone gets themselves into impossible situations sometimes, but what gets you through it is simple honesty with yourself. "How much can I take?" is usually the question I ask myself. I hope I can take it all. If you're reading this journal entry and asking "Why is she writing this?" then you're asking the wrong question. If you read it and ask yourself, "I wonder if I'm honest with myself?" then you see the point of entry. Honesty with yourself can lead to a whole other side of yourself with other people. I want to be honest, so that new person can make other people feel great; just like it makes me feel great. It is an incredible sense of freedom. I love it....

Talent and Jewels of Self Confidence

I have looked back at posts and realized just how sad and boring they all are. I seem to only blog when I have something or someone to complain about. I hate that, but writing seems to be the best way of expressing my anger sometimes. I sing when I'm happy, but I think I write when I'm sad or angry. So, change of pace. I will talk about something good. We, and by we I mean myself and the choir I belong to, just got back from a long noozy trip to West Virginia. It was awesome...Most people wouldn't exactly call it a vacation, but it was certainly one to me. I got to relax and not worry about class or people(I don't mind choir people too much mostly). I just got to sing for three days and shop and hang out with my friends. Not to mention we did really well on our performance. We were invited to an ACDA convention which is a big deal. Choir directors from all over the South are there to watch a premium select of choral ensembles perform. You can imagine how big this is for Dr. Copeland. He handled it all like a pro though...because...he is...a....pro. You know what I mean. He smoothed over all kinds of mishaps like car crashes, late night drunken partying, and even a fire alarm. The whole time, he did not lose his cool. We did really well onstage, except for the last song. There are sometimes when I am extremely thankful to be a part of a choir that can recognize mistakes. Even though we went sharp really bad, at least the whole choir went at the same time. Granted, I would rather we not go sharp at all....lol. It was the most fun I had performing the whole year. I also had fun behind the scenes. The girls were not too catty, and I have never had the freedom to wander at will on a trip before. My favorite wandering was the hike to the CVS pharmacy to buy alcohol. That is definately one for the memory books. That and Martin...Martin is a charming German man who finds pleasure in the most odd American things. It's very refreshing to see someone appreciate the things we don't have interest in anymore. He is very intelligent and a fricken Macguyver. He opened a Guinness bottle with a PLASTIC tonic water bottle. It was cool....Too bad it took Clay forever to do it.....lol. I love all the relationships that are building as well. It makes me miss all the ones I had in high school that aren't there anymore. One such conversation made me realize just how fortunate I really am. No matter how much adversity you must face, in the end it is will that takes you where you want to go. I know all the things required of a great performer, but it always sounds a little bit different coming from someone else. Each time I hear it I take something different away from it. This time, I took something I've never had trouble with before. Lately, I've been struggling with confidence. I've always assumed that I would perform for the rest of my life, but it wasn't until college that I really started to doubt that. Maybe I didn't have what it takes. I wish now that I had a little bit of my assumptions back. But, this conversation showed me that I do. But, as you grow older, you have to fight to keep your confidence alive. People only succeed when they believe in themselves. Insecurities will always exist, but the great ones are the people who don't let that stand in their way. I guess I just needed a pep talk. Thanks to that person and to the choir. For helping to bring it out in me. I just need to find ways to help the better parts of me come out for people to see. I have to stop living college life and start enjoying it, while I still can. I sometimes get too bogged down in all the stuff I have to worry about and don't pay attention to the people who make it great. I have made some good friends on this trip and I am very thankful for it. Especially since I can't go on the New York trip. I wish I could be there...but alas, fate would not have it. They will do well anyway. I know it. I hope they take jewels of self-confidence with them. That and hard work are all it takes to make a great performer... and a person. Well...and talent. But, that's between us and God. Will try to blog happier from now on. Have a reason to now.

I'm ready for some good days....

I am in a class that I really want to get out of. I like the material, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything that is helpful. I will not say what class it is, but I just feel too scared or angry half the time to do anything right. Professors shouldn't make you feel that way, because it slows progress in my opinion. Maybe I'm too sensitive....I don't know. I just want to be the best I can be and lately I feel like I will never reach that goal. Like I'm not working hard enough. But, that could be the attitude that pushes me to work harder. I just don't want to live my life without any satisfaction in my efforts. That's a bad way to live; to see only the imperfections in things and not the beauty.
Cole and I are fine. We did have a shaky night last night. It was our six-month anniversary and I had to go make bouquets for my friend Ashley's wedding. It was a tough thing to do, because I had planned to go out with Cole, but Ashley's wedding is this weekend. And, I will be out of town all this week, arriving just in time to miss the rehearsal dinner and head straight to the bachelorette party...and I'm the maid of honor! I had to make the bouqets. There was no other time I could do it, because she had to work tonight. It was beyond my control, but he got mad nevertheless. I just feel so bad all the time, because stuff happens and it screws up our plans. And I'm tired of feeling bad about it. There are tons of things that happen everyday and I can't do anything to fix it. I don't mind that he's mad, but he's always mad at me. It's not that he's getting things put before him, but I only have so much time outside of all the crap I do for people. I try to give him all the space I can, I just feel......nevermind. I'm probably just whining about nothing. I love my relationship, I'm just tired of feeling like I screw it up all the time. I'm ready for good days. I used to have them all the time, but since college started, I haven't had that many. Maybe that's life coming into play, but dang. Is there anything I have to look forward to at all?

V-day? More like D-Day!!

Well, I just don't know where I am lately. Musically that is. It is Valentine's Day, and it is not going well at all. Apart from having an entirely crappy day so far, I have to work tonight. I wish I could say I have some romantic plans with my boyfriend, but in fact, I do not. I will be watching other couples do it right in front of me.
But, back to the music. I just feel like I am no good anymore. I performed in voice class last friday and we had a choral performance on Sunday. Both times, I felt completely inadequate for some reason. At the voice class, I felt breathy and very nervous. Most people told me I did well, but I severely disagree. I could have done so much better! I guess that's true with all things. Because I was so nervous, I wasn't nearly as expressive as I wanted to be, because I was worried about getting myself back under control. AND THE CHOIR PERFORMANCE? Oh my gosh. I didn't breathe at all (I felt) and my voice was so dry, that I didn't sing half of the high notes. Which really crippled us, because I stand right next to the loudest girl in the soprano section and she had a cold. So, it sounded really funny. She coughed a lot and I just didn't sing. So, there was a gap right in the middle of the sound. Kind of funny in retrospect. I just feel really....not good at my craft. And this is my major?????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



I'm calm. I may need to lie down for a minute or two. I could be a little irritated?

OMG The almost bad day

Wow. I so could have had a bad day today. I realized that when I got to school I didn't study that hard for my midterm, I didn't have the scene score to turn in with it and I failed to write my rough draft for peer revision in English. good grief. I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. But, I took a deep breath and started to pray, which is my normal habit if I feel stressed out because it gets me calm again and puts me back in my peaceful place. I gave it all to him and asked for his help. Let me tell you god is great.
Because so many people hadn't turned in the scene score, my professor thought he had been unclear, so the scene score is due thursday and not on the midterm which was so easy by the way. And since all we had to do in class was the midterm, we got out in enough time for me to write something for english. And even though I totally screwed up and erased everything I did in the ETS lab, when I told my professor that I didn't have a paper, he was totally cool with it. He didn't even say anything about it. I was psyched.
The only downfall to the day was Dr. Copeland yelling at me in class. We have three really similiar songs and I happened to sing a wrong word. I had never done it before and it was totally on accident. But, he launched in this whole story about a rage he had been feeling ever since he knew this girl who did the same thing. Apparently, his anger had been building every time he heard the recording of it, and he displaced his anger onto me. I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not, but good grief. I didn't mean to do it. And in front of the whole class? I just won't sing words when it comes to those songs. I'll lip synch. It's not that big of a deal, but I felt kind of stupid after he finished ranting about it. I guess none of us like feeling embarrassed, so it would be unpleasant for anyone. I don't know why I am taking it the way I am, I guess I'm just a goofy little freshmen. After all, no one ever got better without getting yelled at for something. Oh well.

Giving blood rocks and sucks at the same time.

Well. It sucks. It hurts so bad towards the end. But I feel good knowing that I did it. Like it was worth it. I didn't eat right and I got sick but still it was good enough. I feel kind of drunk today,but hopefully it'll get better. And maybe the goiter that has developed on my arm will go away....peace

Ok. So I felt bad leaving a pathetic looking post like that on there. So I decided to leave one with a little more depth. But, I don't know if I can keep up three different blogs. I might have to adios one of them. I don't think anyone will read this one anyway, but my little sight just looks so dang pathetic with nothing on it.
I also thought I would bring something up that I've been thinking about. Before any of us came to college, we were all the stars of our high school choirs right? Well, I love it that you can come to college and not have that pressure anymore. Really the only drawback for choir has been that it's much harder than I expected it to be, and I wasn't really prepared. But, I love it. I may not always feel at home, but I feel like I'm learning. And I guess that's what you're supposed to feel right? And when you're invisible, it makes it easier for you to step back and look around without everyone stopping to stare at you as you escape the woodwork. I must say that people-watching in choir is definately interesting. I swear I'm not staring at you, but it's cool to imagine what each and everyone of your lives is like. We are all so diverse that it's like picking up a book at the library. Each one is different from the others and each one has their own special story. Well, enough with the metaphors.

I really only did this so I could post comments. I have my own blogs. But I will write when I feel like it. This is a pretty neat site though.