Not Ready to Share myself with the World

I really have nothing I want to say in this blog. I just have to say something. Lately, I've had so much feelings and stress and these thoughts just keep swimming around in my head, driving me a little crazy. It's like I can't stop thinking. It sucks. Maybe it's school, maybe it's things outside of school, not being able to get to church very often(or pretty much never), or just a combination of all these things. I feel like I'm being sucked into a vast emptiness. This is just way too depressing....I want to be like in high school. In high school, I had no problem always find the silver lining, but in college, it's like getting sober after a hard night of drinking. Life was just waiting to pounce on me and slap me in the face. I can now look back and realize just how much my parents and anyone older than me made sense when they said that the real world starts to happen in college. They were right. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't so ambitious. Then, I could settle for something beneath me and be happy. I wouldn't be filled with self-doubts about my goals, my talents, my opportunities. I'm really trying to find that place of solitude and regain some of my old faith in myself, but it is just so hard right now. I think that's my problem. I'm losing faith in myself on all accounts. In every aspect of my life. This makes self-worth go right out the window and well down hill from there. What am I supposed to do about this? The question is simple enough with a simple enough answer. For one thing, I'm not relying nearly enough on God's support. Another thing, I have got to get my head back in the game. I need to be focused and remember where my heart is. I also have to find out who I am. Someone told me once that until you know all the unique properties about yourself, what makes you tick, only then are you really ready to share yourself. Maybe I'm just not ready to share myself with the world. I'm an unfinished project, God's design, trying to smooth out the rough edges that have been holding me back. I have got to fix these edges, or they will take me places where I should not want or need to go.
P.S.
For those of you who read this, try to refrain from giving me superficiality. I don't think I need encouragement. I really think I need a slap in the face. So, if you are ready to hit me, bring it on.

Storms and Sunshine

I don't know why, but I watched the video to this song while I was working out and I really liked it. The song is not too bad either once you get past his screechiness. I just thought I would share.....

You're Beautiful By: Joshua Blunt

My life is brilliant. My love is pure.
I saw an angel, of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye, as we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

It's so romantic. It reminds me a lot of summer and other things. Even though the video is totally shot in winter. Anyways, thought you would feel something. I guess you have to hear the song.
Last night was a good night.....The storm was beautiful. I ran around in it when I got off work. I wish there had been thunder. That would have put me straight to sleep. It was nice to sit in my car and drive while the rain fell and I listened to opera music. It was soothing. Most people lost power though. I must have like really strong power lines, because mine did not even flicker. I guess I'm just good like that:) It was a nice storm though, too bad it's gone. Although, I'm not complaining. The sunshine feels wonderful on the skin. I love being outside on days like this. I command you to go outside and play for at least five minutes today, if you haven't already. Do not waste it.
Cole is going out of town, and I will miss his face. Every one is going out of town though, because my parents are leaving too. I will be all alone, eating chinese and watching sappy movies. Or when I'm not working. (sniff) Nah, I'll probably do something wild, like go dancing FINALLY. I have wanted to go forever, but everytime I try to go, someone bails out on me. I've just decided that I'm going to drag someone there with me. Ha!

Don't ask me any questions....I won't answer them.

I wish sometimes that this was a private blog. Then, I wouldn't really hold back on everything I feel. An online journal sort of defeats the purpose of having a journal. I'm not complaining. I find it intriguing to make a post and get others thoughts on my own ideas. I just wish that sometimes, it was private. I like blogging though. I feel a little in between two worlds. I will stop with it right there.
I cried yesterday, and it felt good. Boys just don't seem to understand that. When a girl cries, it's not always because she's sad. Sure, that's the reason why she starts, but it's not always why she follows through with it. It feels good. Because sometimes, I have nothing to think or say that will make myself feel better. But, a good cry...it's almost like 30 minutes with a therapist. By the time I'm done, I've exhausted all the emotions to where all I want to do is sleep or stare off into space. And that is a lot better than feeling bad. So, there you go. A free lesson in the art of women fellas. Some girls don't cry because it's a sign of weakness. I disagree. I don't really think it's a strength either, but...I don't know. I think this is one of those posts where I ramble incessantly, because I can't really say how I feel. That's ok though. At least I got to say parts of it. I love Spanglish. It seemed to come on right when I needed it. It's such a sweet movie and it makes your heart hurt. It will always put you in a good mood. You should watch it if you are feeling down. Makes you happy in the small things like family...and responsibility.

I was feeling very romantic this morning, which is odd. Even though I am a hopeless romantic, I didn't think I would feel this way this morning after a night out with the girls. Anyways, here are some things that make me feel good. I hope it can make you feel good too!


UNWRITTEN By: Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your innovations Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inner visions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inner visions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah

Come What May From: Moulin Rouge

Never knew I could feel like thisLike I've never seen the sky before, Want to vanish inside your kiss, Every day I love you more and more, Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?Telling me to give you everything, Seasons may change, winter to spring, But I love you until the end of time, Come what may, Come what mayI will love you until my dying day, Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace, Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, It all revolves around you, And there's no mountain too high, No river too wide, Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side, Storm clouds may gather, And stars may collide, But I love you (I love you)Until the end of time(until the end of time)Come what may, Come what may, I will love you until my dying day, Oh, come what may, come what may, I will love you, Oh I will love you, Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, Come what may, Come what may, I will love you until my dying day

Top Ten Most Romantic Moments: (In my opinion)

1) Titanic: Jack and Rose on the bow of the ship when he sings to her and gives her the world. It just makes you feel really good to know that people find beauty in the simplest of things. Even pretending to fly.

2) Jerry MacGuire: The part where good 'ol Jerry is confessing his love, and Renee tells him he had her at "hello." It's always true guys. We are too emotional. So, when you start confessing your undying love to us, if we are being honest, girls usually forgave you at "hi." We just like hearing the rest.

3) Lord of the Rings: When Arwen bows to Aragorn at the white city. He stops her and touches her face. Then of course, they makeout. But, right before that part it is so romantic. I love it when Cole touches my face. It's like he's appreciating every curve for the first time. I never feel more beautiful....

4) Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!: Granted not one of the best movies ever, but there is one part. At the end, when she tells him about his types of smiles. Anyone who notices details about how you smile is just asking for the term "Hopeless Romantic"

5) Ever After: When Danielle and the prince are with the gypsies. There's two on this one, but they'll only count as one. The first is when Danielle chooses to carry the prince. There's something very romantic about a strong woman. The second is their conversation in front of the fire that eventually leads to a kiss.

6) Tristan and Isolde: When Tristan is dying, his last words to Isolde are beautiful. He decided to keep their love beautiful instead of ruining it, by being selfish. Instead, he sends her in a boat down river while he saves the day. Even though he dies, their last words still leave your heart hurting. I love unrequited romances, because the pain only makes the feelings stronger.

7) Troy: When Orlando Bloom is convincing Helen to leave Sparta with him. He was overzealous and probably didn't mean it, but I love it when people embellish. He simply says he, well I will try to find a quote...hang on. Never mind I couldn't find anything. But, basically he tells her that the world will hate them, but he will love her. And that is all that matters. Sure, it does shirk responsibility which I don't like. But, he pretty much said I don't care, I just want to be with you. Which is romantic. Duh....lol

8) Spanglish: The whole movie. But mostly, right before she puts her feet on the ground. Unrequited romances...ah.

9) Some English movie I can't remember the name of: I like the scene between the lead man and woman when they first fall in love. They are sitting at a piano and he is explaining why he makes people cry. He plays for funerals, by the way. He goes through his motions on the piano and before he knows it she is crying. He squeezes her hand and they share a moment. Somehow when two people look at eachother when they are deep in love, they totally get a glimpse of something that can't be explained with words. It's like a fleeting look at eternity.

10) Meet Joe Black: Anyone who has not seen this movie should. It's absolutely great from beginning to end. My favorite part though is when he shares a look with her as he is telling her he can't take her with him. The music in this movie is absolutely lovely. It starts right as she finds out who he really is. Combine the music and the small conversation they share at the party, and you have me in tears every time. It's painful and beautiful to watch.

These are pretty recent movies, so there is like a lot more that I haven't really touched on. But, these are the few that are in my mind at the moment. I love the idea of being in love. It's one of the greatest gifts given to mankind, the ability to love.

Honesty

People continually surprise me. I love it! For me, there is nothing better than peeling off that extra layer over everyone to reveal who they really are inside. How they really feel and think starts to come out and it's like you're meeting an entirely different person for the first time. I wish I could explain to you how I feel. I usually walk around in a daze of hopeless romanticism, but the daze seems to be cloudier than usual. While at times it's uncomfortable, it's pleasant. I miss these sensations. None of you have any idea of what I'm talking about, but that's ok. Most of the time, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm just trying to put down what it feels like to be in my world. To have a feeling and swim in it without regard or consequence to punishment or reward. Just to embrace a feeling, acknowledge it. I don't ever need to go past just feeling it. I can at least allow myself that. It goes with any emotion. Anger, Jealousy, Love, Contentment. Each are great in their own ways, even the ugly ones like anger and jealousy. But, I think even though we should not always act on them, I do believe we should feel them. And not only that, but acknowledge it. That is the truest form of honesty with ourselves. I think that's a problem I have is never being honest with myself. I would say I'm optimistic, but I'm afraid of bad things just like everyone else. No one can live the perfect life. Everyone gets themselves into impossible situations sometimes, but what gets you through it is simple honesty with yourself. "How much can I take?" is usually the question I ask myself. I hope I can take it all. If you're reading this journal entry and asking "Why is she writing this?" then you're asking the wrong question. If you read it and ask yourself, "I wonder if I'm honest with myself?" then you see the point of entry. Honesty with yourself can lead to a whole other side of yourself with other people. I want to be honest, so that new person can make other people feel great; just like it makes me feel great. It is an incredible sense of freedom. I love it....

Talent and Jewels of Self Confidence

I have looked back at posts and realized just how sad and boring they all are. I seem to only blog when I have something or someone to complain about. I hate that, but writing seems to be the best way of expressing my anger sometimes. I sing when I'm happy, but I think I write when I'm sad or angry. So, change of pace. I will talk about something good. We, and by we I mean myself and the choir I belong to, just got back from a long noozy trip to West Virginia. It was awesome...Most people wouldn't exactly call it a vacation, but it was certainly one to me. I got to relax and not worry about class or people(I don't mind choir people too much mostly). I just got to sing for three days and shop and hang out with my friends. Not to mention we did really well on our performance. We were invited to an ACDA convention which is a big deal. Choir directors from all over the South are there to watch a premium select of choral ensembles perform. You can imagine how big this is for Dr. Copeland. He handled it all like a pro though...because...he is...a....pro. You know what I mean. He smoothed over all kinds of mishaps like car crashes, late night drunken partying, and even a fire alarm. The whole time, he did not lose his cool. We did really well onstage, except for the last song. There are sometimes when I am extremely thankful to be a part of a choir that can recognize mistakes. Even though we went sharp really bad, at least the whole choir went at the same time. Granted, I would rather we not go sharp at all....lol. It was the most fun I had performing the whole year. I also had fun behind the scenes. The girls were not too catty, and I have never had the freedom to wander at will on a trip before. My favorite wandering was the hike to the CVS pharmacy to buy alcohol. That is definately one for the memory books. That and Martin...Martin is a charming German man who finds pleasure in the most odd American things. It's very refreshing to see someone appreciate the things we don't have interest in anymore. He is very intelligent and a fricken Macguyver. He opened a Guinness bottle with a PLASTIC tonic water bottle. It was cool....Too bad it took Clay forever to do it.....lol. I love all the relationships that are building as well. It makes me miss all the ones I had in high school that aren't there anymore. One such conversation made me realize just how fortunate I really am. No matter how much adversity you must face, in the end it is will that takes you where you want to go. I know all the things required of a great performer, but it always sounds a little bit different coming from someone else. Each time I hear it I take something different away from it. This time, I took something I've never had trouble with before. Lately, I've been struggling with confidence. I've always assumed that I would perform for the rest of my life, but it wasn't until college that I really started to doubt that. Maybe I didn't have what it takes. I wish now that I had a little bit of my assumptions back. But, this conversation showed me that I do. But, as you grow older, you have to fight to keep your confidence alive. People only succeed when they believe in themselves. Insecurities will always exist, but the great ones are the people who don't let that stand in their way. I guess I just needed a pep talk. Thanks to that person and to the choir. For helping to bring it out in me. I just need to find ways to help the better parts of me come out for people to see. I have to stop living college life and start enjoying it, while I still can. I sometimes get too bogged down in all the stuff I have to worry about and don't pay attention to the people who make it great. I have made some good friends on this trip and I am very thankful for it. Especially since I can't go on the New York trip. I wish I could be there...but alas, fate would not have it. They will do well anyway. I know it. I hope they take jewels of self-confidence with them. That and hard work are all it takes to make a great performer... and a person. Well...and talent. But, that's between us and God. Will try to blog happier from now on. Have a reason to now.

I'm ready for some good days....

I am in a class that I really want to get out of. I like the material, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything that is helpful. I will not say what class it is, but I just feel too scared or angry half the time to do anything right. Professors shouldn't make you feel that way, because it slows progress in my opinion. Maybe I'm too sensitive....I don't know. I just want to be the best I can be and lately I feel like I will never reach that goal. Like I'm not working hard enough. But, that could be the attitude that pushes me to work harder. I just don't want to live my life without any satisfaction in my efforts. That's a bad way to live; to see only the imperfections in things and not the beauty.
Cole and I are fine. We did have a shaky night last night. It was our six-month anniversary and I had to go make bouquets for my friend Ashley's wedding. It was a tough thing to do, because I had planned to go out with Cole, but Ashley's wedding is this weekend. And, I will be out of town all this week, arriving just in time to miss the rehearsal dinner and head straight to the bachelorette party...and I'm the maid of honor! I had to make the bouqets. There was no other time I could do it, because she had to work tonight. It was beyond my control, but he got mad nevertheless. I just feel so bad all the time, because stuff happens and it screws up our plans. And I'm tired of feeling bad about it. There are tons of things that happen everyday and I can't do anything to fix it. I don't mind that he's mad, but he's always mad at me. It's not that he's getting things put before him, but I only have so much time outside of all the crap I do for people. I try to give him all the space I can, I just feel......nevermind. I'm probably just whining about nothing. I love my relationship, I'm just tired of feeling like I screw it up all the time. I'm ready for good days. I used to have them all the time, but since college started, I haven't had that many. Maybe that's life coming into play, but dang. Is there anything I have to look forward to at all?

V-day? More like D-Day!!

Well, I just don't know where I am lately. Musically that is. It is Valentine's Day, and it is not going well at all. Apart from having an entirely crappy day so far, I have to work tonight. I wish I could say I have some romantic plans with my boyfriend, but in fact, I do not. I will be watching other couples do it right in front of me.
But, back to the music. I just feel like I am no good anymore. I performed in voice class last friday and we had a choral performance on Sunday. Both times, I felt completely inadequate for some reason. At the voice class, I felt breathy and very nervous. Most people told me I did well, but I severely disagree. I could have done so much better! I guess that's true with all things. Because I was so nervous, I wasn't nearly as expressive as I wanted to be, because I was worried about getting myself back under control. AND THE CHOIR PERFORMANCE? Oh my gosh. I didn't breathe at all (I felt) and my voice was so dry, that I didn't sing half of the high notes. Which really crippled us, because I stand right next to the loudest girl in the soprano section and she had a cold. So, it sounded really funny. She coughed a lot and I just didn't sing. So, there was a gap right in the middle of the sound. Kind of funny in retrospect. I just feel really....not good at my craft. And this is my major?????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



I'm calm. I may need to lie down for a minute or two. I could be a little irritated?

OMG The almost bad day

Wow. I so could have had a bad day today. I realized that when I got to school I didn't study that hard for my midterm, I didn't have the scene score to turn in with it and I failed to write my rough draft for peer revision in English. good grief. I felt like I was about to hyperventilate. But, I took a deep breath and started to pray, which is my normal habit if I feel stressed out because it gets me calm again and puts me back in my peaceful place. I gave it all to him and asked for his help. Let me tell you god is great.
Because so many people hadn't turned in the scene score, my professor thought he had been unclear, so the scene score is due thursday and not on the midterm which was so easy by the way. And since all we had to do in class was the midterm, we got out in enough time for me to write something for english. And even though I totally screwed up and erased everything I did in the ETS lab, when I told my professor that I didn't have a paper, he was totally cool with it. He didn't even say anything about it. I was psyched.
The only downfall to the day was Dr. Copeland yelling at me in class. We have three really similiar songs and I happened to sing a wrong word. I had never done it before and it was totally on accident. But, he launched in this whole story about a rage he had been feeling ever since he knew this girl who did the same thing. Apparently, his anger had been building every time he heard the recording of it, and he displaced his anger onto me. I couldn't tell if he was kidding or not, but good grief. I didn't mean to do it. And in front of the whole class? I just won't sing words when it comes to those songs. I'll lip synch. It's not that big of a deal, but I felt kind of stupid after he finished ranting about it. I guess none of us like feeling embarrassed, so it would be unpleasant for anyone. I don't know why I am taking it the way I am, I guess I'm just a goofy little freshmen. After all, no one ever got better without getting yelled at for something. Oh well.

Giving blood rocks and sucks at the same time.

Well. It sucks. It hurts so bad towards the end. But I feel good knowing that I did it. Like it was worth it. I didn't eat right and I got sick but still it was good enough. I feel kind of drunk today,but hopefully it'll get better. And maybe the goiter that has developed on my arm will go away....peace

Ok. So I felt bad leaving a pathetic looking post like that on there. So I decided to leave one with a little more depth. But, I don't know if I can keep up three different blogs. I might have to adios one of them. I don't think anyone will read this one anyway, but my little sight just looks so dang pathetic with nothing on it.
I also thought I would bring something up that I've been thinking about. Before any of us came to college, we were all the stars of our high school choirs right? Well, I love it that you can come to college and not have that pressure anymore. Really the only drawback for choir has been that it's much harder than I expected it to be, and I wasn't really prepared. But, I love it. I may not always feel at home, but I feel like I'm learning. And I guess that's what you're supposed to feel right? And when you're invisible, it makes it easier for you to step back and look around without everyone stopping to stare at you as you escape the woodwork. I must say that people-watching in choir is definately interesting. I swear I'm not staring at you, but it's cool to imagine what each and everyone of your lives is like. We are all so diverse that it's like picking up a book at the library. Each one is different from the others and each one has their own special story. Well, enough with the metaphors.

I really only did this so I could post comments. I have my own blogs. But I will write when I feel like it. This is a pretty neat site though.