Not Ready to Share myself with the World

I really have nothing I want to say in this blog. I just have to say something. Lately, I've had so much feelings and stress and these thoughts just keep swimming around in my head, driving me a little crazy. It's like I can't stop thinking. It sucks. Maybe it's school, maybe it's things outside of school, not being able to get to church very often(or pretty much never), or just a combination of all these things. I feel like I'm being sucked into a vast emptiness. This is just way too depressing....I want to be like in high school. In high school, I had no problem always find the silver lining, but in college, it's like getting sober after a hard night of drinking. Life was just waiting to pounce on me and slap me in the face. I can now look back and realize just how much my parents and anyone older than me made sense when they said that the real world starts to happen in college. They were right. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't so ambitious. Then, I could settle for something beneath me and be happy. I wouldn't be filled with self-doubts about my goals, my talents, my opportunities. I'm really trying to find that place of solitude and regain some of my old faith in myself, but it is just so hard right now. I think that's my problem. I'm losing faith in myself on all accounts. In every aspect of my life. This makes self-worth go right out the window and well down hill from there. What am I supposed to do about this? The question is simple enough with a simple enough answer. For one thing, I'm not relying nearly enough on God's support. Another thing, I have got to get my head back in the game. I need to be focused and remember where my heart is. I also have to find out who I am. Someone told me once that until you know all the unique properties about yourself, what makes you tick, only then are you really ready to share yourself. Maybe I'm just not ready to share myself with the world. I'm an unfinished project, God's design, trying to smooth out the rough edges that have been holding me back. I have got to fix these edges, or they will take me places where I should not want or need to go.
P.S.
For those of you who read this, try to refrain from giving me superficiality. I don't think I need encouragement. I really think I need a slap in the face. So, if you are ready to hit me, bring it on.

Storms and Sunshine

I don't know why, but I watched the video to this song while I was working out and I really liked it. The song is not too bad either once you get past his screechiness. I just thought I would share.....

You're Beautiful By: Joshua Blunt

My life is brilliant. My love is pure.
I saw an angel, of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye, as we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

It's so romantic. It reminds me a lot of summer and other things. Even though the video is totally shot in winter. Anyways, thought you would feel something. I guess you have to hear the song.
Last night was a good night.....The storm was beautiful. I ran around in it when I got off work. I wish there had been thunder. That would have put me straight to sleep. It was nice to sit in my car and drive while the rain fell and I listened to opera music. It was soothing. Most people lost power though. I must have like really strong power lines, because mine did not even flicker. I guess I'm just good like that:) It was a nice storm though, too bad it's gone. Although, I'm not complaining. The sunshine feels wonderful on the skin. I love being outside on days like this. I command you to go outside and play for at least five minutes today, if you haven't already. Do not waste it.
Cole is going out of town, and I will miss his face. Every one is going out of town though, because my parents are leaving too. I will be all alone, eating chinese and watching sappy movies. Or when I'm not working. (sniff) Nah, I'll probably do something wild, like go dancing FINALLY. I have wanted to go forever, but everytime I try to go, someone bails out on me. I've just decided that I'm going to drag someone there with me. Ha!

Don't ask me any questions....I won't answer them.

I wish sometimes that this was a private blog. Then, I wouldn't really hold back on everything I feel. An online journal sort of defeats the purpose of having a journal. I'm not complaining. I find it intriguing to make a post and get others thoughts on my own ideas. I just wish that sometimes, it was private. I like blogging though. I feel a little in between two worlds. I will stop with it right there.
I cried yesterday, and it felt good. Boys just don't seem to understand that. When a girl cries, it's not always because she's sad. Sure, that's the reason why she starts, but it's not always why she follows through with it. It feels good. Because sometimes, I have nothing to think or say that will make myself feel better. But, a good cry...it's almost like 30 minutes with a therapist. By the time I'm done, I've exhausted all the emotions to where all I want to do is sleep or stare off into space. And that is a lot better than feeling bad. So, there you go. A free lesson in the art of women fellas. Some girls don't cry because it's a sign of weakness. I disagree. I don't really think it's a strength either, but...I don't know. I think this is one of those posts where I ramble incessantly, because I can't really say how I feel. That's ok though. At least I got to say parts of it. I love Spanglish. It seemed to come on right when I needed it. It's such a sweet movie and it makes your heart hurt. It will always put you in a good mood. You should watch it if you are feeling down. Makes you happy in the small things like family...and responsibility.

I was feeling very romantic this morning, which is odd. Even though I am a hopeless romantic, I didn't think I would feel this way this morning after a night out with the girls. Anyways, here are some things that make me feel good. I hope it can make you feel good too!


UNWRITTEN By: Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your innovations Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inner visions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inner visions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah

Come What May From: Moulin Rouge

Never knew I could feel like thisLike I've never seen the sky before, Want to vanish inside your kiss, Every day I love you more and more, Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?Telling me to give you everything, Seasons may change, winter to spring, But I love you until the end of time, Come what may, Come what mayI will love you until my dying day, Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace, Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, It all revolves around you, And there's no mountain too high, No river too wide, Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side, Storm clouds may gather, And stars may collide, But I love you (I love you)Until the end of time(until the end of time)Come what may, Come what may, I will love you until my dying day, Oh, come what may, come what may, I will love you, Oh I will love you, Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, Come what may, Come what may, I will love you until my dying day

Top Ten Most Romantic Moments: (In my opinion)

1) Titanic: Jack and Rose on the bow of the ship when he sings to her and gives her the world. It just makes you feel really good to know that people find beauty in the simplest of things. Even pretending to fly.

2) Jerry MacGuire: The part where good 'ol Jerry is confessing his love, and Renee tells him he had her at "hello." It's always true guys. We are too emotional. So, when you start confessing your undying love to us, if we are being honest, girls usually forgave you at "hi." We just like hearing the rest.

3) Lord of the Rings: When Arwen bows to Aragorn at the white city. He stops her and touches her face. Then of course, they makeout. But, right before that part it is so romantic. I love it when Cole touches my face. It's like he's appreciating every curve for the first time. I never feel more beautiful....

4) Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!: Granted not one of the best movies ever, but there is one part. At the end, when she tells him about his types of smiles. Anyone who notices details about how you smile is just asking for the term "Hopeless Romantic"

5) Ever After: When Danielle and the prince are with the gypsies. There's two on this one, but they'll only count as one. The first is when Danielle chooses to carry the prince. There's something very romantic about a strong woman. The second is their conversation in front of the fire that eventually leads to a kiss.

6) Tristan and Isolde: When Tristan is dying, his last words to Isolde are beautiful. He decided to keep their love beautiful instead of ruining it, by being selfish. Instead, he sends her in a boat down river while he saves the day. Even though he dies, their last words still leave your heart hurting. I love unrequited romances, because the pain only makes the feelings stronger.

7) Troy: When Orlando Bloom is convincing Helen to leave Sparta with him. He was overzealous and probably didn't mean it, but I love it when people embellish. He simply says he, well I will try to find a quote...hang on. Never mind I couldn't find anything. But, basically he tells her that the world will hate them, but he will love her. And that is all that matters. Sure, it does shirk responsibility which I don't like. But, he pretty much said I don't care, I just want to be with you. Which is romantic. Duh....lol

8) Spanglish: The whole movie. But mostly, right before she puts her feet on the ground. Unrequited romances...ah.

9) Some English movie I can't remember the name of: I like the scene between the lead man and woman when they first fall in love. They are sitting at a piano and he is explaining why he makes people cry. He plays for funerals, by the way. He goes through his motions on the piano and before he knows it she is crying. He squeezes her hand and they share a moment. Somehow when two people look at eachother when they are deep in love, they totally get a glimpse of something that can't be explained with words. It's like a fleeting look at eternity.

10) Meet Joe Black: Anyone who has not seen this movie should. It's absolutely great from beginning to end. My favorite part though is when he shares a look with her as he is telling her he can't take her with him. The music in this movie is absolutely lovely. It starts right as she finds out who he really is. Combine the music and the small conversation they share at the party, and you have me in tears every time. It's painful and beautiful to watch.

These are pretty recent movies, so there is like a lot more that I haven't really touched on. But, these are the few that are in my mind at the moment. I love the idea of being in love. It's one of the greatest gifts given to mankind, the ability to love.