It has been a while....

Well, well, well......Hello out there blogger people! I'm back and better than ever...sort of. Well, to catch you all up. Over the last month, I've been promoted at work to a closer, and I am promised promotion to trainer, which means that if I make enough money this summer, I may be able to pay for my trip next year to germany! YEAA!!!! My grandfather is in the hospital, hasn't been doing too well. The hospital has just told him he has cancer. It's come in the form of spots on his liver. I don't even like the man all that much, but when I found out, I couldn't stop crying. I mean all I have ever done is insult the man. Which made me feel worse, so I really couldn't stop crying. He seems to be doing better than he was, but it's still pretty tough for the family to take in. What else....um. I saw DaVinci Code! It was amazing! Not as good as the book, but still awesome. I love Paul Bettany...he is definitely my favorite actor. (Keira Knightely is my fav actress) What is it with English people that make them so cool? I also have gotten a boyfriend. I know right? I'm really excited. We went on a couple of dates and they were nice. I'm actually excited about boys, which as you can see from my last post, I thought I had lost all faith in the male race. He really is awesome. His name is Zach, and he's a complete gentleman. He loves and respects his family, he always opens the door, he dances with me on a regular basis, and he is wonderfully funny. We also seem to like the exact same things too, like movies, and food(sort of), right down to picking out the same ice cream flavor at Ben and Jerry's. It's weird and really amazing at the same time. I got an IPOD for my bday!!I got my belly button pierced!!It felt a lot like giving blood. It was really uncomfortable afterwards, but the initial piercing was not bad at all. Now all I have to do is get a tattoo and my teenage rebellion will be complete! Wahhaaaahaaa! I miss school. I wish I got to see more of my UAB friends, but it seems as if they are all busy. I can't complain. I work like 50 hours a week. I don't really make enough time for them. So, it's really my fault. Still, it would be awesome to hang out. So, that was the highlight of what's been going on. Feel free to ask questions.

I retract my original statement

Alright. So maybe boys don't suck. They are just a misunderstood species. I will continue on in my studies of this peculiar type of human. It may take years. But, I will know how the more masculine side of humanity operates before I die. Even if I only successfully figure one out, it would be more than I know now.

Boys suck.

This is why I always ride with someone....

Ok. So, for those who do not know, I was horrendously late for my performance last Sunday morning at St. Luke's Episcopal church. I will start at the beginning.....
I had worked a double at the O the night before and didn't end up leaving the store until 2 in the morning so naturally, I was a bit tired. I knew I had a choir event the next day, so I resolved to get up at 9:30 and call someone to tell me my "show-up now" time. My brain would have it differently. Instead, I awoke promptly at 9:55. Still unaware of my call time, I called Whitney and asked what time it was I was to be at the church. She told me ten. At which case, I said a curse word I will fail to mention at this time. So, I rushed to put things on and got in the car. What Whitney had told me on the phone was that we were meeting in the choir room. Silly me, I thought for some reason that she meant the choir room at UAB. I thought this was odd, but I was really not thinking clearly due to lack of sleep and the urgency with which I was needed in Birmingham. So, I drive my happy butt all the way to UAB to find the parking lot completely empty and my chances of heart failure increasing. When no one answered the phone, I started to panic. So, I got on my laptop and tried to get on the website. Nope. Apparently, my wireless was being retarded. So, in the midst of my electronic stupidity, Charles(you gem you) called and politely asked where I was. I screamed some random statement and then remembered to ask where they were. Charles said St. Luke's. By this time, it was 10:30. I had never driven to St. Luke's by myself before. So, I got directions quickly and was on my way. But, Charles told me to hurry because the service started at 11:15. I said ok and hung up. And then my heart failure tendencies returned to me when I realized what he said. I thought that that day we were recording at a church. That is why I was surprised by the time and place. I frantically called Charles back and said, "Are we performing for people today?" He laughed and replied, "Yes." So, feeling like I had a massive coronary coming I drive at the speed of light down Lakeshore, ripping my clothes from my body. The guy next to me I'm sure enjoyed the show. Thank goodness my dress and accessories were still in the car from Mozart. So, I get to the end of Lakeshore and somehow manage to find myself at Cantebury. Not where I needed to be at all. So, I stopped and got directions, again, and wound up in some very nice neighborhood. Again, not where I needed to be. So, I turned around and managed to find my way to the church in which case the hyper-ventilation stopped. Then, as I found my way into the bowels of the church(lovely metaphor) I realized I had no idea where I was. Some kind of nursery. Not where I needed to be. So, I popped my head in one of the doors to ask for directions and I swear. The oldest woman alive shuffled out with inch thick glasses and a cane. She walked very slowly and talked just like some exaggerated version of an old person. When I told her I was to sing in like 2 minutes, she said, "Oh my goodness!" all warbly like and then managed to up her pace to a hobble. On our second circle around the nursery, we found a person under the age of 40 who could take me to the loft. But, when I finally got to the door, the service had started. I was wearing high heels and my keys were jingling. So, I walked quietly and grabbed hold of my keys. And if any of you have seen my key chain, it's a lovely rabbit my parents got me for Easter that say "Eeeeehhhh, somebody loves you!" So, the congregation heard the bunny rabbit, not once, but twice. So, I make it up the stairs where again the congregation heard my keys and finally saw the choir. I have never been so happy to Chris Reid's face in my life, even though it was contorted at laughter at my folly. At the end of this concert, Dr. Copleand told me to, "Go and sin no more." Fitting for the church environment we were in. I now have many planted spies in choir looking out for me and call times and places. This is why I always ride with someone. Because I just simply cannot be trusted to get myself places in one piece. Have pity on my poor soul. I find it amusing now. I hope you do too.

This is why I always ride with someone....

Ok. So, for those who do not know, I was horrendously late for my performance last Sunday morning at St. Luke's Episcopal church. I will start at the beginning.....
I had worked a double at the O the night before and didn't end up leaving the store until 2 in the morning so naturally, I was a bit tired. I knew I had a choir event the next day, so I resolved to get up at 9:30 and call someone to tell me my "show-up now" time. My brain would have it differently. Instead, I awoke promptly at 9:55. Still unaware of my call time, I called Whitney and asked what time it was I was to be at the church. She told me ten. At which case, I said a curse word I will fail to mention at this time. So, I rushed to put things on and got in the car. What Whitney had told me on the phone was that we were meeting in the choir room. Silly me, I thought for some reason that she meant the choir room at UAB. I thought this was odd, but I was really not thinking clearly due to lack of sleep and the urgency with which I was needed in Birmingham. So, I drive my happy butt all the way to UAB to find the parking lot completely empty and my chances of heart failure increasing. When no one answered the phone, I started to panic. So, I got on my laptop and tried to get on the website. Nope. Apparently, my wireless was being retarded. So, in the midst of my electronic stupidity, Charles(you gem you) called and politely asked where I was. I screamed some random statement and then remembered to ask where they were. Charles said St. Luke's. By this time, it was 10:30. I had never driven to St. Luke's by myself before. So, I got directions quickly and was on my way. But, Charles told me to hurry because the service started at 11:15. I said ok and hung up. And then my heart failure tendencies returned to me when I realized what he said. I thought that that day we were recording at a church. That is why I was surprised by the time and place. I frantically called Charles back and said, "Are we performing for people today?" He laughed and replied, "Yes." So, feeling like I had a massive coronary coming I drive at the speed of light down Lakeshore, ripping my clothes from my body. The guy next to me I'm sure enjoyed the show. Thank goodness my dress and accessories were still in the car from Mozart. So, I get to the end of Lakeshore and somehow manage to find myself at Cantebury. Not where I needed to be at all. So, I stopped and got directions, again, and wound up in some very nice neighborhood. Again, not where I needed to be. So, I turned around and managed to find my way to the church in which case the hyper-ventilation stopped. Then, as I found my way into the bowels of the church(lovely metaphor) I realized I had no idea where I was. Some kind of nursery. Not where I needed to be. So, I popped my head in one of the doors to ask for directions and I swear. The oldest woman alive shuffled out with inch thick glasses and a cane. She walked very slowly and talked just like some exaggerated version of an old person. When I told her I was to sing in like 2 minutes, she said, "Oh my goodness!" all warbly like and then managed to up her pace to a hobble. On our second circle around the nursery, we found a person under the age of 40 who could take me to the loft. But, when I finally got to the door, the service had started. I was wearing high heels and my keys were jingling. So, I walked quietly and grabbed hold of my keys. And if any of you have seen my key chain, it's a lovely rabbit my parents got me for Easter that say "Eeeeehhhh, somebody loves you!" So, the congregation heard the bunny rabbit, not once, but twice. So, I make it up the stairs where again the congregation heard my keys and finally saw the choir. I have never been so happy to Chris Reid's face in my life, even though it was contorted at laughter at my folly. At the end of this concert, Dr. Copleand told me to, "Go and sin no more." Fitting for the church environment we were in. I now have many planted spies in choir looking out for me and call times and places. This is why I always ride with someone. Because I just simply cannot be trusted to get myself places in one piece. Have pity on my poor soul. I find it amusing now. I hope you do too.

Untitled

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother meI can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets meWhat hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....

My Wish

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
and each road leads you where you want to go,
and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
and if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
more then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
all the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
and you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
and you always give more then you take.
Oh More then anything,
Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to
your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

The Retardedness Continues...

Well, what didn't happen over Spring Break? MINE SUCKED!!! Let's see. I spent two days doing nothing at the lake the first half of the week, which was nice. But, the moment I got back I had to drive to Birmingham to stay the night with one of my good friends because she was upset. That's like 6 hours of driving put together in two days. UGH. So, anyways. We hung out and had a good time. But, then Lynn(my stepdad) had knee surgery the next morning and I had meant to call him before he went in, but I forgot and felt really bad. *On a side note: He's got like 18 staples. They are so cool. He let me touch them.* And then, I made an excellent brunch for everyone on Wednesday at her house. Then, I left later on that day to go bring Lynn some chinese food. I stayed home and just didn't go to sleep. I've been having weird cases of insomnia lately. Any cures anybody? So, the next day. Didn't do much. Got my hair cut, tied Lynn's shoes cause he couldn't. Then, I did it. I broke up with Cole. I just really don't know what to say on this topic. I did it for two reasons. One: I didn't think we were meshing very well anymore. We always seemed to fight over the same things and new ones kept popping up. Two: I am going down a road I have been down before. It's that stressed out, tired, depressed, always having to please everyone road. I've done it once before and I can't do it again. When I was with him, my days were just too long. I would go to school between 5-anywhere from 5 to 7 at night. Usually after that, I would drive to work at a crappy job until like 10 or 11 that night. Then, I would try to hang out with him for an hour. That puts me back at the house at like 12. And I still had homework. Throw church and all the things I have to do for music(like practicing) in the mix and you have one unhappy, stressed out lady. I don't like that person that I see myself becoming. So, I just told him I couldn't be with him. And now, we are good friends. I hope still really good friends. It's sort of painful for both of us, since it just happened. I'm finding it easier as the days go by. He is such wonderful guy and I was lucky to have him. I just can't take care of myself right now, let alone trying to give myself to someone else. I don't want to cheapen it. I just hope that he knows he means the world to me.
But, after that whole thing happened, I went retarded. Erin decided to take me to Cirque du Soleil that night. I took two wrong turns getting to her house. I didn't even feel like I was in my body. My eyes hurt from crying too. It was a great show though. So, the next day. I had to get up really early and go back to my house. My parents were leaving for the beach. So, I get there and I start doing laundry(already in a bad mood). My grandfather comes down the street and starts screaming his head off at Lynn. They got in a total cuss fight about 15 minutes before my parents were supposed to leave. Something about coming and going too much, but I think it's because they were going to the beach and my grandfather is too sour to even go to the grocery store. He once yelled at someone for getting a flat tire on our driveway on Christmas Eve. Grinch much? So, everyone was upset. My mom didn't want to leave me at the house all weekend by myself in case my grandfather was gonna yell at me too. So I was kicked out. Sent to my grandmother (on my mother's side) and my great grandmother. These are two women with not a whole lot to do. So, I had not a whole lot to do for two days. So, I threw myself into work. I also went really retarded there too. I broke like ten dishes, hit at least 3 lamps, ran into things, forgot orders. I think I left my brain somewhere. I just don't know how to explain it. But, last and I wish it was least, I worked a double on Sunday. In which case, topping my night off, my last two tables were a party of 12 and 7. The 12 was extremely thirsty and made me run my butt off, and the 7 had my best friend in high school who blew me off bc his girlfriend didn't want us hanging out anymore. He said two polite thankyous to me and nothing else. Ouch. And their food was late. I told the kitchen they could spit in it if they wanted to...I feel bad for saying that, though;) So, I went to the freezer and kicked the wall a lot and cried.....again...I swear I can't stop crying. Everything makes me cry now. Movies, people, dogs...My dog kept whining to get on the bed..What did I do? I cried. I feel like such a retard. OH, and I feel so lazy. I did not work out once this break. And I ate an entire box of Fudge Rounds. Course, who would have had the time between all the crying and working and grandmothers and dogs and everything else.
The retardedness continued today. Yesterday was fine. I got everything sorted out school wise( my grades were slipping a bit) and I got to work out. Yea. But today, I totally feel awful. My throat is killing me. And, I slept through my first class on accident. I was like 100 feet from the building and didn't wake up. I set my alarm I swear I did. I went to sleep at like 7:15 and didn't wake up until like 9. AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Serves me right. I should not have rolled over at 7:30. The first time the alarm rang.

Not Ready to Share myself with the World

I really have nothing I want to say in this blog. I just have to say something. Lately, I've had so much feelings and stress and these thoughts just keep swimming around in my head, driving me a little crazy. It's like I can't stop thinking. It sucks. Maybe it's school, maybe it's things outside of school, not being able to get to church very often(or pretty much never), or just a combination of all these things. I feel like I'm being sucked into a vast emptiness. This is just way too depressing....I want to be like in high school. In high school, I had no problem always find the silver lining, but in college, it's like getting sober after a hard night of drinking. Life was just waiting to pounce on me and slap me in the face. I can now look back and realize just how much my parents and anyone older than me made sense when they said that the real world starts to happen in college. They were right. Maybe it would be easier if I wasn't so ambitious. Then, I could settle for something beneath me and be happy. I wouldn't be filled with self-doubts about my goals, my talents, my opportunities. I'm really trying to find that place of solitude and regain some of my old faith in myself, but it is just so hard right now. I think that's my problem. I'm losing faith in myself on all accounts. In every aspect of my life. This makes self-worth go right out the window and well down hill from there. What am I supposed to do about this? The question is simple enough with a simple enough answer. For one thing, I'm not relying nearly enough on God's support. Another thing, I have got to get my head back in the game. I need to be focused and remember where my heart is. I also have to find out who I am. Someone told me once that until you know all the unique properties about yourself, what makes you tick, only then are you really ready to share yourself. Maybe I'm just not ready to share myself with the world. I'm an unfinished project, God's design, trying to smooth out the rough edges that have been holding me back. I have got to fix these edges, or they will take me places where I should not want or need to go.
P.S.
For those of you who read this, try to refrain from giving me superficiality. I don't think I need encouragement. I really think I need a slap in the face. So, if you are ready to hit me, bring it on.

Storms and Sunshine

I don't know why, but I watched the video to this song while I was working out and I really liked it. The song is not too bad either once you get past his screechiness. I just thought I would share.....

You're Beautiful By: Joshua Blunt

My life is brilliant. My love is pure.
I saw an angel, of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye, as we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

It's so romantic. It reminds me a lot of summer and other things. Even though the video is totally shot in winter. Anyways, thought you would feel something. I guess you have to hear the song.
Last night was a good night.....The storm was beautiful. I ran around in it when I got off work. I wish there had been thunder. That would have put me straight to sleep. It was nice to sit in my car and drive while the rain fell and I listened to opera music. It was soothing. Most people lost power though. I must have like really strong power lines, because mine did not even flicker. I guess I'm just good like that:) It was a nice storm though, too bad it's gone. Although, I'm not complaining. The sunshine feels wonderful on the skin. I love being outside on days like this. I command you to go outside and play for at least five minutes today, if you haven't already. Do not waste it.
Cole is going out of town, and I will miss his face. Every one is going out of town though, because my parents are leaving too. I will be all alone, eating chinese and watching sappy movies. Or when I'm not working. (sniff) Nah, I'll probably do something wild, like go dancing FINALLY. I have wanted to go forever, but everytime I try to go, someone bails out on me. I've just decided that I'm going to drag someone there with me. Ha!

Don't ask me any questions....I won't answer them.

I wish sometimes that this was a private blog. Then, I wouldn't really hold back on everything I feel. An online journal sort of defeats the purpose of having a journal. I'm not complaining. I find it intriguing to make a post and get others thoughts on my own ideas. I just wish that sometimes, it was private. I like blogging though. I feel a little in between two worlds. I will stop with it right there.
I cried yesterday, and it felt good. Boys just don't seem to understand that. When a girl cries, it's not always because she's sad. Sure, that's the reason why she starts, but it's not always why she follows through with it. It feels good. Because sometimes, I have nothing to think or say that will make myself feel better. But, a good cry...it's almost like 30 minutes with a therapist. By the time I'm done, I've exhausted all the emotions to where all I want to do is sleep or stare off into space. And that is a lot better than feeling bad. So, there you go. A free lesson in the art of women fellas. Some girls don't cry because it's a sign of weakness. I disagree. I don't really think it's a strength either, but...I don't know. I think this is one of those posts where I ramble incessantly, because I can't really say how I feel. That's ok though. At least I got to say parts of it. I love Spanglish. It seemed to come on right when I needed it. It's such a sweet movie and it makes your heart hurt. It will always put you in a good mood. You should watch it if you are feeling down. Makes you happy in the small things like family...and responsibility.

I was feeling very romantic this morning, which is odd. Even though I am a hopeless romantic, I didn't think I would feel this way this morning after a night out with the girls. Anyways, here are some things that make me feel good. I hope it can make you feel good too!


UNWRITTEN By: Natasha Bedingfield
I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your innovations Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inner visions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inner visions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah

Come What May From: Moulin Rouge

Never knew I could feel like thisLike I've never seen the sky before, Want to vanish inside your kiss, Every day I love you more and more, Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing?Telling me to give you everything, Seasons may change, winter to spring, But I love you until the end of time, Come what may, Come what mayI will love you until my dying day, Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace, Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste, It all revolves around you, And there's no mountain too high, No river too wide, Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side, Storm clouds may gather, And stars may collide, But I love you (I love you)Until the end of time(until the end of time)Come what may, Come what may, I will love you until my dying day, Oh, come what may, come what may, I will love you, Oh I will love you, Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place, Come what may, Come what may, I will love you until my dying day

Top Ten Most Romantic Moments: (In my opinion)

1) Titanic: Jack and Rose on the bow of the ship when he sings to her and gives her the world. It just makes you feel really good to know that people find beauty in the simplest of things. Even pretending to fly.

2) Jerry MacGuire: The part where good 'ol Jerry is confessing his love, and Renee tells him he had her at "hello." It's always true guys. We are too emotional. So, when you start confessing your undying love to us, if we are being honest, girls usually forgave you at "hi." We just like hearing the rest.

3) Lord of the Rings: When Arwen bows to Aragorn at the white city. He stops her and touches her face. Then of course, they makeout. But, right before that part it is so romantic. I love it when Cole touches my face. It's like he's appreciating every curve for the first time. I never feel more beautiful....

4) Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!: Granted not one of the best movies ever, but there is one part. At the end, when she tells him about his types of smiles. Anyone who notices details about how you smile is just asking for the term "Hopeless Romantic"

5) Ever After: When Danielle and the prince are with the gypsies. There's two on this one, but they'll only count as one. The first is when Danielle chooses to carry the prince. There's something very romantic about a strong woman. The second is their conversation in front of the fire that eventually leads to a kiss.

6) Tristan and Isolde: When Tristan is dying, his last words to Isolde are beautiful. He decided to keep their love beautiful instead of ruining it, by being selfish. Instead, he sends her in a boat down river while he saves the day. Even though he dies, their last words still leave your heart hurting. I love unrequited romances, because the pain only makes the feelings stronger.

7) Troy: When Orlando Bloom is convincing Helen to leave Sparta with him. He was overzealous and probably didn't mean it, but I love it when people embellish. He simply says he, well I will try to find a quote...hang on. Never mind I couldn't find anything. But, basically he tells her that the world will hate them, but he will love her. And that is all that matters. Sure, it does shirk responsibility which I don't like. But, he pretty much said I don't care, I just want to be with you. Which is romantic. Duh....lol

8) Spanglish: The whole movie. But mostly, right before she puts her feet on the ground. Unrequited romances...ah.

9) Some English movie I can't remember the name of: I like the scene between the lead man and woman when they first fall in love. They are sitting at a piano and he is explaining why he makes people cry. He plays for funerals, by the way. He goes through his motions on the piano and before he knows it she is crying. He squeezes her hand and they share a moment. Somehow when two people look at eachother when they are deep in love, they totally get a glimpse of something that can't be explained with words. It's like a fleeting look at eternity.

10) Meet Joe Black: Anyone who has not seen this movie should. It's absolutely great from beginning to end. My favorite part though is when he shares a look with her as he is telling her he can't take her with him. The music in this movie is absolutely lovely. It starts right as she finds out who he really is. Combine the music and the small conversation they share at the party, and you have me in tears every time. It's painful and beautiful to watch.

These are pretty recent movies, so there is like a lot more that I haven't really touched on. But, these are the few that are in my mind at the moment. I love the idea of being in love. It's one of the greatest gifts given to mankind, the ability to love.

Honesty

People continually surprise me. I love it! For me, there is nothing better than peeling off that extra layer over everyone to reveal who they really are inside. How they really feel and think starts to come out and it's like you're meeting an entirely different person for the first time. I wish I could explain to you how I feel. I usually walk around in a daze of hopeless romanticism, but the daze seems to be cloudier than usual. While at times it's uncomfortable, it's pleasant. I miss these sensations. None of you have any idea of what I'm talking about, but that's ok. Most of the time, I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm just trying to put down what it feels like to be in my world. To have a feeling and swim in it without regard or consequence to punishment or reward. Just to embrace a feeling, acknowledge it. I don't ever need to go past just feeling it. I can at least allow myself that. It goes with any emotion. Anger, Jealousy, Love, Contentment. Each are great in their own ways, even the ugly ones like anger and jealousy. But, I think even though we should not always act on them, I do believe we should feel them. And not only that, but acknowledge it. That is the truest form of honesty with ourselves. I think that's a problem I have is never being honest with myself. I would say I'm optimistic, but I'm afraid of bad things just like everyone else. No one can live the perfect life. Everyone gets themselves into impossible situations sometimes, but what gets you through it is simple honesty with yourself. "How much can I take?" is usually the question I ask myself. I hope I can take it all. If you're reading this journal entry and asking "Why is she writing this?" then you're asking the wrong question. If you read it and ask yourself, "I wonder if I'm honest with myself?" then you see the point of entry. Honesty with yourself can lead to a whole other side of yourself with other people. I want to be honest, so that new person can make other people feel great; just like it makes me feel great. It is an incredible sense of freedom. I love it....

Talent and Jewels of Self Confidence

I have looked back at posts and realized just how sad and boring they all are. I seem to only blog when I have something or someone to complain about. I hate that, but writing seems to be the best way of expressing my anger sometimes. I sing when I'm happy, but I think I write when I'm sad or angry. So, change of pace. I will talk about something good. We, and by we I mean myself and the choir I belong to, just got back from a long noozy trip to West Virginia. It was awesome...Most people wouldn't exactly call it a vacation, but it was certainly one to me. I got to relax and not worry about class or people(I don't mind choir people too much mostly). I just got to sing for three days and shop and hang out with my friends. Not to mention we did really well on our performance. We were invited to an ACDA convention which is a big deal. Choir directors from all over the South are there to watch a premium select of choral ensembles perform. You can imagine how big this is for Dr. Copeland. He handled it all like a pro though...because...he is...a....pro. You know what I mean. He smoothed over all kinds of mishaps like car crashes, late night drunken partying, and even a fire alarm. The whole time, he did not lose his cool. We did really well onstage, except for the last song. There are sometimes when I am extremely thankful to be a part of a choir that can recognize mistakes. Even though we went sharp really bad, at least the whole choir went at the same time. Granted, I would rather we not go sharp at all....lol. It was the most fun I had performing the whole year. I also had fun behind the scenes. The girls were not too catty, and I have never had the freedom to wander at will on a trip before. My favorite wandering was the hike to the CVS pharmacy to buy alcohol. That is definately one for the memory books. That and Martin...Martin is a charming German man who finds pleasure in the most odd American things. It's very refreshing to see someone appreciate the things we don't have interest in anymore. He is very intelligent and a fricken Macguyver. He opened a Guinness bottle with a PLASTIC tonic water bottle. It was cool....Too bad it took Clay forever to do it.....lol. I love all the relationships that are building as well. It makes me miss all the ones I had in high school that aren't there anymore. One such conversation made me realize just how fortunate I really am. No matter how much adversity you must face, in the end it is will that takes you where you want to go. I know all the things required of a great performer, but it always sounds a little bit different coming from someone else. Each time I hear it I take something different away from it. This time, I took something I've never had trouble with before. Lately, I've been struggling with confidence. I've always assumed that I would perform for the rest of my life, but it wasn't until college that I really started to doubt that. Maybe I didn't have what it takes. I wish now that I had a little bit of my assumptions back. But, this conversation showed me that I do. But, as you grow older, you have to fight to keep your confidence alive. People only succeed when they believe in themselves. Insecurities will always exist, but the great ones are the people who don't let that stand in their way. I guess I just needed a pep talk. Thanks to that person and to the choir. For helping to bring it out in me. I just need to find ways to help the better parts of me come out for people to see. I have to stop living college life and start enjoying it, while I still can. I sometimes get too bogged down in all the stuff I have to worry about and don't pay attention to the people who make it great. I have made some good friends on this trip and I am very thankful for it. Especially since I can't go on the New York trip. I wish I could be there...but alas, fate would not have it. They will do well anyway. I know it. I hope they take jewels of self-confidence with them. That and hard work are all it takes to make a great performer... and a person. Well...and talent. But, that's between us and God. Will try to blog happier from now on. Have a reason to now.

I'm ready for some good days....

I am in a class that I really want to get out of. I like the material, but I don't feel like I'm learning anything that is helpful. I will not say what class it is, but I just feel too scared or angry half the time to do anything right. Professors shouldn't make you feel that way, because it slows progress in my opinion. Maybe I'm too sensitive....I don't know. I just want to be the best I can be and lately I feel like I will never reach that goal. Like I'm not working hard enough. But, that could be the attitude that pushes me to work harder. I just don't want to live my life without any satisfaction in my efforts. That's a bad way to live; to see only the imperfections in things and not the beauty.
Cole and I are fine. We did have a shaky night last night. It was our six-month anniversary and I had to go make bouquets for my friend Ashley's wedding. It was a tough thing to do, because I had planned to go out with Cole, but Ashley's wedding is this weekend. And, I will be out of town all this week, arriving just in time to miss the rehearsal dinner and head straight to the bachelorette party...and I'm the maid of honor! I had to make the bouqets. There was no other time I could do it, because she had to work tonight. It was beyond my control, but he got mad nevertheless. I just feel so bad all the time, because stuff happens and it screws up our plans. And I'm tired of feeling bad about it. There are tons of things that happen everyday and I can't do anything to fix it. I don't mind that he's mad, but he's always mad at me. It's not that he's getting things put before him, but I only have so much time outside of all the crap I do for people. I try to give him all the space I can, I just feel......nevermind. I'm probably just whining about nothing. I love my relationship, I'm just tired of feeling like I screw it up all the time. I'm ready for good days. I used to have them all the time, but since college started, I haven't had that many. Maybe that's life coming into play, but dang. Is there anything I have to look forward to at all?

V-day? More like D-Day!!

Well, I just don't know where I am lately. Musically that is. It is Valentine's Day, and it is not going well at all. Apart from having an entirely crappy day so far, I have to work tonight. I wish I could say I have some romantic plans with my boyfriend, but in fact, I do not. I will be watching other couples do it right in front of me.
But, back to the music. I just feel like I am no good anymore. I performed in voice class last friday and we had a choral performance on Sunday. Both times, I felt completely inadequate for some reason. At the voice class, I felt breathy and very nervous. Most people told me I did well, but I severely disagree. I could have done so much better! I guess that's true with all things. Because I was so nervous, I wasn't nearly as expressive as I wanted to be, because I was worried about getting myself back under control. AND THE CHOIR PERFORMANCE? Oh my gosh. I didn't breathe at all (I felt) and my voice was so dry, that I didn't sing half of the high notes. Which really crippled us, because I stand right next to the loudest girl in the soprano section and she had a cold. So, it sounded really funny. She coughed a lot and I just didn't sing. So, there was a gap right in the middle of the sound. Kind of funny in retrospect. I just feel really....not good at my craft. And this is my major?????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



I'm calm. I may need to lie down for a minute or two. I could be a little irritated?